Author name: hill

i thought that things were already hard.
because when i compare my life to others’,
i tend to find myself in a horrible place
(no surprise there).
but then this new dark cloud swept in
and threatened to loom overhead forever.
to never ever leave.
so what i thought was already difficult,
became something nearly impossible for my mind to wrap around.

and i’ve been there before,
imagining myself being parked under that stormy rain cloud,
without a break in the weather.
without a little dot of sunshine bravely peeking through
the deep dark clouds that hang in the sky.

i was there after the original neuro said things that she never should have said.
i was there on that one valentine’s day
when the official epilepsy diagnosis was delivered
instead of flowers.
i was there for six straight weeks
when the end of the day proudly displayed dusk
and as the seizures threatened to come and
disrupt his and our sleep
and threatened to come and
disrupt his and our life.

i’ve been in that dark place,
where i let my mind wander to where that dim path leads,
many many times before.

and just a few weeks ago, i was there again,
while a whole new stormy cloud threatened to spoil our lives.

but then, the wildest thing happened.
and i was reminded yet again that God is the writer of this story.
not me.
He is the writer of luke’s story.
of my story.

and He showed me
(yet again)
that i never ever can
know or
anticipate or
prepare
for the future.
and that that is a really really good thing.

the future rests in what our good and sweet and
“withholding no good thing God” will allow.
the dark cloud, that was full of harsh relentless rain,
that i was sure would never leave,
just up and left.

and now, what i had believed was a normally tough situation,
is actually bright and shiny and sunny again.

i see His beautiful rays of light
pouring out of every single broken crack
and into every single shattered space.
into every missing part of a brain that God chose to not create
while luke was in my womb.
i am basking in the warm and holy and beautiful sunshine
of our normal and intense and beautiful life.

i get stuck when i picture what life might become
under a permanent rain cloud
instead of trusting that there will
always, always
be rain clouds
but that there will also
always, always
be sunshine.

For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
Psalm 84:11

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;
God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—
and the things that are not—
to nullify the things that are,
so that no one may boast before him.
1 Corinthians 1:27-29